Dear Tou,
I’m approaching my 40s, and I’ve been getting the question “When are you going to get married?” a lot from relatives when I feel like it shouldn’t even be a question anymore. I’m single, and I know that when the right one comes, she’ll come, but I can’t help but notice more and more Hmong women these days are dating other ethnicities (not that there is anything wrong with that), and Hmong men are resorting to dating Hmong women overseas. It shouldn’t be wrong, but it feels like something is wrong, you get what I mean? I go out and meet single women all the time, but we always end up in the friend zone. Dating is hard.
– Mr. Timeless
Dear Mr. Timeless,
Ah, the ol’ When are you gonna get married? interrogation—every family gathering’s favorite game show! Trust me, I get it. You’re minding your own business, enjoying your plate of food, and suddenly Auntie or Uncle comes in like a contestant on Family Feud: “Show me… WEDDING!”
Here’s the thing, my friend: society—and especially our Hmong culture—has this timeline carved in stone for how life is “supposed” to go. But guess what? Life is messy, personal, and definitely not one-size-fits-all. You’re running your own race, not theirs.
Now, about this dating landscape that’s feeling like a scene out of a Hmong drama: I hear you. It’s not wrong that some Hmong women are dating outside the culture or that some Hmong men are looking overseas, but it does feel like the dating pool has its own set of complications these days. What you’re feeling is valid—it’s a mix of observing cultural shifts and personal frustrations. But let’s unpack this.
The Friend Zone Conundrum
You’re meeting women but landing in the friend zone—oof, that’s a tough spot. It could be a few things:
- Vibe Check: Are you unintentionally giving off “just friends” energy? Sometimes we’re so cautious about not coming on too strong that we forget to express interest romantically.
- Timing: Maybe these women aren’t in the right place in their lives for a relationship. That’s not on you, it’s just life being its unpredictable self.
- The Nice Guy Trap: Being kind and respectful (which you absolutely should be) doesn’t mean you can’t also confidently pursue what you want. Women appreciate kindness, but they’re also drawn to clarity and a little spark of boldness.
Dating in a Modern World
Let’s face it—dating is like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube while blindfolded. But here are some tips to shake things up:
- Focus on shared values, not just cultural expectations. It’s great to connect with someone who understands your cultural roots, but don’t let it limit you. Chemistry and compatibility matter just as much.
- Be clear about your intentions. If you’re interested in someone, don’t be afraid to flirt a little, test the waters, and show your interest early on. No one can guess you’re a romantic prospect if you’re playing it too cool.
- Widen the net. If you’ve been looking in the same places and meeting the same types of people, try new settings—different social events, hobbies, or even online dating. (It’s not as scary as it sounds, I promise!)
Addressing the Pressure
When relatives ask the question, hit them back with humor and confidence. Try something like:
- “I’ll get married when you promise to do all the wedding planning!”
- “I’m in talks with Cupid. He says my order is delayed but on the way.”
Sometimes a lighthearted answer is the easiest way to shift the focus off you. And if they push, let them know you’re focusing on building a life you love—and that marriage will happen when it feels right, not when they demand it.
Final Word
You’re not alone in this. A lot of people—Hmong and non-Hmong alike—feel the weight of societal and cultural expectations when it comes to love and marriage. But here’s the truth: the right relationship is built on mutual respect, love, and shared vision—not on someone else’s timeline or pressures. So keep doing you. Keep showing up, putting yourself out there, and being intentional. Your person will find you, and when she does, Auntie and Uncle will have plenty to celebrate.
In the meantime, remember: you’re not “behind.” You’re just writing your story at your own pace—and that’s a beautiful thing.
– Tou