Dear Mai,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years now. We’re in our mid-30s, and I am ready to get married and start a family, but he keeps saying that we don’t need to get married to have a family or to be together. I get what he’s trying to say, but I always valued marriage. I feel conflicted because the love is there, but when it comes to marriage, making it official so that I can call him my “husband,” we just don’t see eye to eye. I don’t know how to move forward with this without it feeling like I’m begging him for marriage, and I definitely do not want to give him an ultimatum because breaking up is not something we want.
– Read for the Ring
Dear Ready for the Ring,
First of all, let me say: I hear you. Eleven years is a significant investment of love, patience, and shared dreams. It’s clear you adore each other, which makes this crossroads even more tender. You’re navigating the choppy waters of two very personal philosophies about commitment, and that’s no small feat. Let’s unpack this.
The Heart of the Matter
Marriage is more than a word or a ceremony to you—it’s a symbol of commitment, a milestone, and a deeply cherished value. That matters. On the other hand, your boyfriend may see your relationship as already rock-solid and feel marriage isn’t necessary to validate it. Neither perspective is wrong; they’re just different. The real challenge here is not about whether you love each other but about how you honor and align your visions of a shared future.
What You Can Do
Have an Honest Conversation: Find a calm moment to express your feelings—not as a demand, but as an invitation to connect. For example, you might say, “I deeply value marriage because it represents a lifelong partnership to me. I know we love each other, but having that commitment formalized means a lot to me. Can we talk about why it feels less important to you?”
This keeps the tone collaborative, not confrontational. Understanding why marriage doesn’t resonate with him could help bridge the gap. Is it a philosophical stance, fear of change, or something else entirely?
Explore Compromise:
If marriage is non-negotiable for you, consider framing it in a way that aligns with what you both value. For instance, if he’s averse to traditional ceremonies or legal formalities, could a low-key wedding or an alternative ceremony work? The goal is to find middle ground where both of your values are honored.Check in With Yourself:
Reflect on your own non-negotiables. If being married is essential to your vision of a fulfilled life, it’s okay to stand firm in that. It’s not about giving ultimatums—it’s about understanding what you need to thrive in a relationship.Talk About the Bigger Picture:
Marriage often ties into broader life plans, like having children, shared finances, or even legal protections. Gently highlight these practical aspects and ask how he sees your future in those contexts. Sometimes, discussing these logistics can shift someone’s perspective on formalizing a relationship.
What Not to Do
Avoid framing marriage as an ultimatum. Instead, position it as an open dialogue about your values and future. The goal is to foster connection, not conflict.
A Loving Reminder
Relationships are about teamwork, and sometimes that means working through disagreements with grace and patience. If the love is there—and it sounds like it is—you have a solid foundation. Just remember: your needs and dreams are just as valid as his.
Sending you strength and clarity,
– Mai